Female POTC:Takeover of the Black Pearl
by zen kitten
Summary: Cady and Megi have a dream...they take over the Pearl, assemble their crew and plunder the waters of the caribbean! Jack will never know what hit him. R
1. Prologue

_Hey all, this is a collaboration between me (zen kitten, duh) and my Cap'n Megi (Pirate-Rose) and is my first fanfic :). Yah, fun stuff. Be advised that this is a prologue to set a tone and back-story for our original characters. The fanfic-y bit with Jack and the Pearl comes in right at the beginning of chapter 1, so keep your pants on._

_NOTE FROM PIRATE-ROSE: Guys, don't kill me!!!! My story will be updated soon, as soon as my effing computer decides it wants to work properly again savvy?_

**Disclaimer: We're not worthy! We're not worthy! Yah...we don't own POTC. All we own is ourselves...but Megi does have this squeaky pen and when you drag it on her desk it, oh, right, sorry, the story.**

_And being cruel still, as I sailed, as I sailed _

_And being cruel still, as I sailed _

_And being cruel still my gunner I did kill _

_And his precious blood did spill, as I sailed, as I sailed_

_-The Ballad of William Kidd_

They stood there on the beach, staring each other down. The taller one clutched a sword to her chest and the shorter one had her arms extended. "C'mon, lass, just gimme the bloomin' sword!"

The taller one tightened her grip on the weapon. "NO! MY shiny!" The shorter one sighed and pulled a fencing foil from her belt, which seemed to hold in it the contents of an entire armoury.

"I can't teach ye if ye'r lumberin' around with 'at useless hunk a' metal. Use this'n, it's light, not sharp and perfectly balanced." She balanced it on the index and middle fingers of her right hand to try and sell the idea. It didn't work; the tall one began stroking her sword possessively. The shorter sighed. "Fine, but I'm the one who's a'goin to be payin' fer this folly, mark my words." She took her fighting pose begrudgingly. "En garde!" The taller smiled insanely and mimicked the stance. "Now listen. I'll take ye through a typical scenario and tell ye what ye have to do. It's nearly foolproof. So, parry, parry, slash, parry. Got that?"

"Got it." The tall girl nodded. Their swords met and she began whispering the words as she went through the motions. "Parry, parry, um, slash...uhhh, SLASH?" There was an awful scream, which coincided with the sickening sound of metal on bone. "Oops."

The shorter girl crouched, packing sand on the bloody stump, once her right hand, to keep it from bleeding out. The bloody appendage laid on the sand a metre to the left. "Well, that went better than expected."

Shortly after, we set sail in a little boat to achieve our lifelong dream (since the week before)...To take over the Black Pearl!

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_So remember kiddies, don't swordfight at home! It's all fun and games 'till someone loses an eye...or a hand. Yah, it's short, but it is just a prologue. Chapter one coming shortly with **!gasp!** ACTUAL FANFIC CONTENT!!!_

XOXO Ironfist the Enforcer and Captain Meg, the slowest pirate ever to sail the Caribbean…who else would be dumb enough to cut off someone's hand?


	2. Chapter one! We TAKE OVER! Muahahaha

**Disclaimer: Neither me nor Megi owns POTC. Or Nerf. I wish we did though. The world would be filled with Disney-fied pirates and foam! It would be CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY!**

_Now there´s many a day on the Spanish Main_

_But none I hold so dear,_

_As that happy day I first became_

_A scurvy buccaneer!_

(Cady's POV)

The longboat bobbed up and down in the water as we managed to row it beside the Black Pearl. Her crew hadn't noticed us sneaking up on her for the past 3 leagues because there seemed to be a celebration going on a deck. The flames from it's lanterns glowed like fireflies against the tar black sky and the smell of grog floated behind the grand ship. Someone was murdering an old sea shanty on a hornpipe as others sang along "...The sun came up over the Spanish Sea/ Our homeland far behind us/ Being hunted by the king´s navy/ I´m sure he´ll never find us/ Pull away, me lads of the Cardiff Rose and hoist the Jolly Roger..."

"Alright," I said, looking up at the deck and planning my climbing route, "I'm a goin' up the side, an-"

"Nay!" said Megi, shaking her head. "I be the Cap'n, and I'll be goin' up first. I'll, uh, subdue Jack. If I need help with the crew, I'll whistle."

"With that weapon, cap'n?" I asked doubtfully, looking at the sword (and I use that term lightly) at her belt.

"Well it be the only one yer lettin' me use! Now quit yer lollygaggin' and gimme a boost." Sighing, I crouched and she slipped her booted foot onto my interlocked fingers. I could see up the skirt of her dress and she was wearing Jolly Roger boxer shorts. Classic. In a second she was climbing the molluscs and cracks on the side as a followed her up. She jumped over the gunwall and I heard dull, drunken exclamations of surprise. I held my breath and pressed against the hull waiting for her whistle.

(Meg's POV)

I straightened up and looked around me, taking in my surroundings. Minus the few pirates who were prematurely passed out on the ground, every man on board looked at me with utter confusion, wondering what the hell a woman was doing onboard their ship.

"Ey, now. What the bloody 'ell is this?"

"SQUEEEEEE!!!"

Leaping upon the unsuspecting captain, we both crashed to the deck.

"Err, I mean...ARRR!"

Jack blinked.

Ok, time for the stupidity to desist.

Rolling to my feet on the salt encrusted deck, I pulled my sword from my belt and held it threateningly at the pirate captain's neck, holding him from behind.

"If any man moves, I'll slit his throat," I declared loudly (With absolutely NO intention of doing so).

The silence was broken by the men's laughter.

Ok...so it was a nerf sword. I could still sound threatening! So what if Sparrow was drunk and unable to fight back?

Oh...no, taking weapons out is bad...umm...think fast!

I pressed the foam closer into Jack's neck. "How do ye know I didn't just cover a blade with foam te put ye into a sense of ease?" They all froze again, drunkenness overcoming their common sense. _I'm so smart, I'm so smart..._"All of ye, into the boats!" They actually went toward the boats, stumbling toward the davits, not sure what they were doing, not being sober, when one of the men seemed to rise above the rum...it was obviously an historic moment.

"Mates...we're lettin' oursel's be pushed around by a wench!"

Oooook...this wasn't good.

I tried to whistle, doing everything right: puff up my cheeks with air, make a circular shape with my lips and blowing outward.

Nothing.

I tried again...and again...suddenly it dawned on me, like an apple hitting the head of that famous dead guy whose name I couldn't remember...I COULDN'T WHISTLE!

I took another look at the pirates advancing on me to rescue their captain and bellowed into the night sky.

"**IRONFIST!!!"**

(Cady's POV)

I got worried after she'd been up there for 10 minutes. _It shouldn't take this long to grab the captain and whistle..._Then I remembered, Megi can't whistle... **"IRONFIST!!!" **The yell she emitted could probably have been heard on distant shores. I leapt (Ok, climbed then fell) over the gunwall and drew my gun in one hand, my cutlass in the other. Megi was obviously impressed. "Oooo, nice musket!"

"It's not a musket."

"Huh?"

"It's a musketoon. Made in 1758 with a flintlock firing mechanism, brass barrel, single shot. It's more like a small cannon than it's brother the musket, but it's much more effective at..."

Megi knocked me out of my reverie with an ear-splitting screetch. "IRONFIST!!! ANGRY PIRATES!!!"

"Oh, aye!" I finally took in the scene in front of me, and it wasn't good. Megi had the nerf sword wrapped around Jack's neck, nearly choking him to death. Ten or fifteen drunken pirates were advancing on her, swords drawn but momentarily distracted by the arrival of a large, gun-weilding female pirate (A.K.A. me). I raised the gun to head level. "Stand down, ya bilge swilling younkers!" Fifteen swords clattered to the deck and I grinned homicidally. "'Tis good to see the useless glop in yer 'eads isn't cloggin' up yer ears. Now into the boats, all a'ye!" I waved my sword for good measure. The pirates, grumbling quietly, climbed into the boats suspended over the side but one mate bravely yelled "Will ya be a'givin' us supplies, guv?" I looked around the deck and noticed that there was a lot of food left from their celebration. I grabbed a roast pig and a large barrel of grog and lowered them down to the largest boat. I rooted around below deck and found an iron cask of bread and a bottle of liquer and sent them down as well. "Surely ye can't be expectin' us to live off these vittles, lass?"

"And why not? This be a PG-13 fan fiction, about a Disney movie no less! You can't die." The sailor seemed satisfied with that answer. I began to loosen the ropes and sent all boats but the largest into the water. Just as I started on those, I heard a gurgling death noise behind me. "Cap'n, yer chokin' 'im to death!" Jack's face was an odd shade of purple and he gurgled as he struggled to breathe. Meaghan lossened her grip on the sword with her right hand, freeing the pirate from her clutches.

"Ooops, sorry." Jack stumbled forward, a bit drunkenly, a bit breathlessly and a bit just plain Jack-ishly.

"My, my crew! What're ye doin' to my crew?" He leaned dangerously over the edge. Megi, ever the hero, stepped forward and attempted to cut the ropes with her sword. It bent as she pressed it against the rope then sprang back- right in Jack's face. The pirate captain of the Black Pearl fell to the floor in a heap.

"OH MY GAWD! I KILLED HIM!!!"

"You didn't kill him. He's just unconscious."

"OH MY GAWD I...UNCONCISIZED HIM!!!"

"Shut up and help me figure out what to do with these bodies!" I had forgotten completely about the passed-out pirates taking a caulk on the deck. After a short discussion, and a few failed attempts to toss them into one of the ship's boats, we decided to just toss them in the ship's brig and hold them as prisoners. I then cut the cords holding the final boat with my cutlass, sending it splashing into the water with a great splash. We looked over at it.

"Hey, Ironfist? Ye know how ye said all that stuff about not dyin' 'cuz this be PG-13?"

"Aye."

"Well, Barbossa died."

"Let's just keep that to oursel's, eh, mate?"

"Right then," She ran to the bow of the ship and pointed majestically towards the darkened horizon. "Let's go find my crew!"

"Uh, Cap'n?" "She turned and looked at me. I pointed down at Jack Sparrow's unmoving form. "We may have to wait fer him te wake up."

"Oh...right."

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**Bwahahahahahaha!! Chapter one. See, I can be smart when I want to! This is Meg btw…I stole this copy from Cady and am…improving it shall we say…GO ME!!!**

**!theme music!**

**!kamikaze watermelon splats onto random wall!**

**Hehehe…**

**REVIEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! **


	3. WHAT? YOU’VE NEVER SEEN A PIRATE CLIMB A...

_Hey, thanks to all who reviewed! Sorry about the time between updates, we're writing these in the majority during boring classes at school so updates will only come about once a week._

Lady Nicole Potter- FIRST REVEIWER!!! **!Confetti falls from the sky and patriotic music plays!** WOOOO! Ahem, so, yah. Thank you for your review. As for your questions, Will is coming in later in the story, but he may be mistreated due to our distaste for him. We'll not talk about **!shivers!** her. She will not be in this story.

Pirate-Rose- Of course you're not. Only a loser would do something like that. And I don't know if that captain girl is cool, she seems a bit dorky to me. Ah, well, whatever floats your boat.

Spizzy the Headless Spaz- Your review made me smile. Thanks!

hotdogfish- Hahaha, yes, the writers of this story have to SO agree on that point. They rock harder than minerals! (lol, geology humour...) Thank you for your review!

**Disclaimer: We don't own POTC, Wayne's World or Rach. We should though, if Meaghan ever gets her agent back. Oh, but we do own the school, mainly because we had no idea what her school was like, so we built an imaginary one.**

_With a dark slit sheer through the bosom spot,_

_And the lace stiff, dry in a purplish blot,_

_Oh, was she wench or some shudderin' maid,_

_That dared the knife and took the blade?_

_By God! She had stuff for a plucky jade!_

_Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum._

(Jack's POV)

The light of day hit my eyelids and I scrunched them up. I had a splitting headache. _Last night must have been wilder than I thought..._I couldn't remember a single thing about the night before and my mind was a blurry haze, even compared to usual. I also had pains around my neck and my nose. _I wish I could remember what happened._ I thought I heard voices around me and opened my eyes...

"AHHHHHHH!!!!"

(Cady's POV)

"He's still asleep?" Megi and I were kneeling on either side of Captain Jack Sparrow, who we had dragged into his cabin the night before on finding that we couldn't lift him AND all the grog he had consumed. We were watching him sleep, which in retrospect was kind of creepy, but at the time seemed like a suitable substitute for watching TV. "I thought pirates 'woke with the sun' and all that."

"Well he was completely wasted, then deprived of air, THEN smacked unconscious with a weapon made of foam. It was a rough night for him." Jack moved a bit and I looked down.

"I guess so. Hey do you think he's waking-"

"Shhhh..." It was too late, he had opened his eyes.

"AHHHHHHH!!!!"

It was strangely amusing to see all the memories of the night before rushing into the pirate's brain all at once. I wonder if it hurt.

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO WENCHES...AHHH, HEADACHE!"

Yyyyyyep.

We staggered to our feet as Jack sat up laboriously. "YE took over me ship? Me crew's worse than I thought." I looked at him murderously. "Though you're obviously...very capable...pirates?" I smiled and nodded happily. I love when I have that effect on people. "Sooo..." he continued, a slight grin on his face, "if you two took over, who be the captain?" Oh, he was good. Trying to pit us against each other? He must have been cleverer than I thought. But it wasn't going to work this time.

"Megi here," I pointed to her and she gave a little wave, "will be acting captain. I am her first mate. Ye'll have the honourary title o' Co-captain, but ye'll have no power 'till we be sure ye can be trusted." Jack stood up and looked a little confused.

"And the rest of yer crew is..."

"Scattered. We have te go gather 'em up. That be our first order of business. Our first stop: England!" I tried to get him excited about the trip. He just looked a little frightened.

"England, lass? D'ye know what they do te pirates in England? We'll be tarred, feathered then hanged if we're lucky. Unless-" He looked at us suspiciously, "yer part of the King's navy!" He reached to his belt to grab his sword, which we had conveniently taken away (along with the loose change in his pockets). Seriously, we're not THAT stupid.

I rolled my eyes. "Calm down, schizo. We're not going to Golden Age England. We be goin' te modern England."

Jack looked thoroughly confused. "Either way, how d'ye expect us te get there?"

Megi and I looked at each other and grinned. "Through the MAGIC OF FANFICTION!" We made motions with our fingers in front of our faces as if miming rain, a la Wayne's World. "Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo..."

**!POOF! **

In seconds, the Black Pearl simply disappeared from the water, leaving only a few confused seagulls and a gaping plot hole in its wake.

Hundreds of miles and years later, a large, conspicuous old-time boat mysteriously appeared in a dock someplace in England. Off it stepped two girls and a man, all dressed in pirate clothing. Passers by either thought that they were going crazy or that there was some kind of historical re-enactment going on. Either way, no one bothered to talk to the strange people standing on the dock looking completely lost.

"Okay...we're here...where do we go now?"

"Ummm, I don't know. It's around noon, so she'll probably be in school."

"Who?" Jack asked, looking from me to Meg.

Meg smiled. "Rach, our sharpshooter!"

"Where's her school?"

"Well, I have directions written on my hand-" She extended her hand to show me smudged directions written on her palm in purple marker.

"Oh, this is gonna be fun."

**xXTen Minutes LaterXx**

The three of us were crammed in the backseat of a cab, Meg extending her arm to the front seat so that the cabdriver could use her scribbles as a reference. Jack and I were having a fulfilling conversation about general pirate techniques over her back.

"I prefer the 'Capture the Captain' method. Most crews want to be all heroic and save them."

"'T won't always work, mate. What if the captain be strong enough to escape an' he runs ye through?"

"Well it worked with your ship, aye?"

"Grrr..." Jack reached over Meg in a rather hostile manner as I giggled to myself and pulled faces.

"Hey, you two cut it out. We're almost there...I think."

About half an hour later, we came to the driveway of a huge, ancient looking building. Meg and Jack got out and walked towards it, but I had to stay and deal with an angry cabbie who turned a bit sour when he found out we could only pay him in pieces of eight. "This is enough...right?"

(Megi's POV)

Jack and me looked up at the building.

"Wow."

I looked up at the windows and saw Rach through one on the third story.

"RACH! RACH!" I screamed and jumped up and down, waving my arms over my head. She didn't look down.

"The window's closed, luv."

"Thanks. I noticed." I pouted and pondered how we were going to get her out of there. Suddenly, there was a **!THUMP!** and the squealing of tires behind us. We turned around to see Cady getting up and brushing herself off, the taxi speeding away into the horizon.

"I think I straightened him out."

"Mmmhmm..." She walked up beside me and looked at the building.

"Wow."

(Cady's POV)

It was the second time in as many days that I had given Megi a lift. She reached up high and managed to grab hold of a ledge and pull herself onto it. She nimbly climbed the building using broken stones and ivy until she was on the same ledge as the window Rach was behind, but a few windows over. As she struggled to sidle along the edge, a girl poked her head out of a window and stared at Meaghan with a mix of confusion and horror on her face. "WHAT? YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A PIRATE CLIMB A BUILDING IN A DRESS BEFORE?" The girl darted back into the window and closed it with a **!SNAP!**

"Just a few more inches! Don't fall! Look how high up you are!" I yelled helpfully. Meg leaned over and stuck her tongue out at me, but leaned a little too far. She began to wave her arms frantically in a very comical fashion in an attempt to keep her balance. She failed and began plummeting towards certain death.

"HOLY SHIT!"

"I'll catch you!" I ran under her falling body with my arms outstretched...**!SPLAT! **"Owwwww..."

"GUYS! I almost died, but something squishy broke my fall...oh, sorry, Ironfist."

"Just get OFF ME!" I lay on the ground in self-pity for a few seconds then got up. "So...what now?" Jack got a devilish gleam in his eye. I got a little scared.

**xXTen Minutes LaterXx**

"RACH! RACH!"

**!BOING!**

"RACH! RACH!"

**!BOING!**

"RA-"

"Luv, the window's still closed."

"Oh, right."

Meg was jumping on the giant trampoline that we had recently...acquired...trying to get high enough to get level with the window. When she got level, she was supposed to get on the ledge then get Rach through the window, where they would both jump down on to the trampoline.

"I think I saw this plan on the Bugs Bunny show." I muttered.

"What about a rabbit, luv?"

"Erm...nothing."

Megi was getting higher and higher and the altitude seemed to be getting to her head. "Hey, I can see Canada from here!"

**!BOING!**

"No you can't"

**!BOING!**

"Oh, you're right. It's a tree."

**!BOING!**

I sighed and shook my head. Then I realized something. I looked one way down the street. Then the other. There was absolutely no one on the road at all. Creepy.

"Look guys! I'm a bird!" Meg was now flapping her arms like wings.

"Stop it. You'll throw off your centre of balance."

"Will not." **!BOING!**

"Will too." **!BOING!**

"Will- AHHH!" Meg bounced sideways off the trampoline and landed on me with a **!SPLAT!**

"I really should have seen that coming."

"What are you saying?"

"Huh?"

"Are you saying I'm fat?"

"No, I'm saying you're practically a glowing, throbbing ball of death."

Meg pondered this for a second. "Oh. Okay."

"Tha' still doesn't solve our problems, mates. How're we gonna get this Rach out of prison?"

Meg and me looked confused for a second. "Prison?" Then we looked at the school and laughed.

"Uh, is anyone goin' te explain why this is so funny?" Jack questioned.

"No, it's better this way."

I studied the intimidating stone building. "I guess if we can't get her from the outside, we'll have to go in."

"And ye think they'd just leave the door wide open, mate?"

I walked over and gave the door handle a gentle tug. It practically opened on it's own. I turned to Jack and raised an eyebrow. He grumbled as he walked by me into the building, I held it for Meg then followed them in.

We walked down the hallway, looking for a stairwell. "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for meeeee..."

"Jack, shush!"

"Sorry, mate."

The clicking of heels could be heard coming around the corner.

"Quick, in here."

We ducked into an empty classroom and waited for the teacher to pass by. When she was gone completely, we slunk back into the hallway and continued down the hall and around the corner.

"The stairs!"

"SHUSH!"

"ACK!"

Megi pulled me and Jack behind a vending machine "Enough of this. I hate hiding."

"Cady, seriously, shut up."

Three students came into view, two female, one male, all wearing the school's rather spiffy uniform.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Meg?"

"Ohhh yeah!"

**xXFive Minutes LaterXx**

Meg brushed off her hands and smiled. The three students struggled against their bonds; the vending machine cord, which was wrapped around them, and the girls' hair, which we had tied together. "Job well done."

Jack looked as excited as a kid at Disneyland. "Can we do that again?"

"Maybe later. Right now we've got to go save Rach."

We ran up the stairs and looked through the doors of each classroom...one, two, three, four...Ahah!

I opened the door and we stepped in, our swords (well, one sword, one foam sword and one imaginary sword) drawn.

"Everyone quiet! We're taking over the class!"

The teacher executed some sort of 'duck and cover' manoeuvre, probably taught her during the Cold War days. Some of the class looked stunned into silence, some just looked happy their class was disrupted, and one was amazingly happy.

"MEGI!"

"RACH!"

The two girls hugged. Then Megi introduced her to Jack and me.

"You look strangely familiar, lass." (Hahaha, I'll bet she does.)

I looked at the class and noticed that a few of them were whispering and the teacher was coming out from under her desk.

"Um, guys? I think it's time for our daring escape."

We ran down the stairs and out into the school parking lot.

"MOTORINI!!!" (I love Italian class.)

"What?"

"Mopeds! Look there's four. This is just creepy."

We each got on a moped and started them (Yes, without keys. We're just that special.).

"Follow me, I remember where the docks are."

"Wait, we're trusting you?"

"Well, I'm the captain."

"That just sent a shiver up my spine."

Meaghan stuck her tongue out at me and started off down the road. Rach followed close after.

"How d'ye work one o' these things?"

"Just...do what we do." I followed Meg and Rach down the road, and I guess Jack figured it out because he was behind me in a couple seconds.

"This is great fun, mates!"

"Yeah, Jack, just stay on this side of the road, okay?"

**xXHalf An Hour LaterXx**

"Ooooooo...it looks bigger close up."

"Yyyyep. She's a beaut. Well, all aboard!"

We all went up onto the Black Pearl; Rach was poking everything in sight.

"Ummm, Rach, What're you doing?"

"I want to be sure it's real..."

Ahah. "So where to next, Cap'n?"

"Welland!"

"Uh huh, and how are we getting there?"

She pondered this for a moment. "The magic of fanfiction?" She did the rain-mime thing again. "Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo..."

...PAUSE...

"I guess we used it all up. Well, we'll have to sail across the Atlantic. So, what're you lubbers waitin' for? Get this tub ready te sail!"

Jack looked hurt. "Tub? What're ye callin' a tub, lass? Th' Pearl is the finest ship e'er te sail the bloomin' seas an' ye called 'er a TUB!?!"

"Fine then. Get this SHIP ready to sail. Is that better?"

"You didn't apologize to her."

"WHAT?!?!"

"Apologize!"

"Ugh, fine. Sorry...ship. Is that better?"

Jack nodded happily.

"Alrighty then, LET'S GO!"

"YEA!!!" We all rushed to get the ship ready...

"Ummm, does anyone know how to work this thing?"

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**GAH! That was a long chapter; the next one will probably be longer, though. In other news, REVIEW!!!!!!! That is all.**


	4. Introductions and Chickens

Heh, heh **!sheepish laugh!** So, we didn't update for a while, but you see, math kept getting harder and harder so we had less and less time and…well, no more excuses. I'm updating now. As a bonus, I will from now on ask someone for a random word and incorporate it wherever possible in the story. This chapter's word: **purple**. Now onto reviews.

hotdogfish- Well, you could always check the review page. Thanks for the review

Lady Nicole Potter- Hahaha. It was rather rainy here this year, and I simply didn't feel like dealing with it in a world in which I could control the weather. Thanks for the suggestion, that will definitely be in the next chapter!

**Disclaimer: We own nothing but ourselves. Which sounds rather philosophical.**

_For me, my craft is sailing on,_

_Through mists to-day, clear seas anon._

_Whate'er the final harbor be_

_'Tis good to sail upon the sea!_

_- John Kendrick Bangs_

(Meg's POV)

After whacking Rach over the head and setting her off to do some chore or another to keep her busy, Cady and I managed to get the Pearl out to sea before Jack had even figured out what happened. After watching the receding shore for a while, he turned around, apparently confused that we actually knew how to be proper pirates.

He looked at me suspiciously, "Luv, do ye just pretend to be stupid?"

I shook my head, "No, I'm actually stupid. But any idiot with three sixteenths of a brain can captain a boat."

Jack held up an index finger in correction. "Ship."

Shrugging, I turned around and started to walk towards Cady who was trying to show Rach how to safely into the rigging instead of scurrying up like a monkey like she usually does. "Whatever."

Jack jumped in front of me, "Not 'whatever', luv! The Pearl be me pride an' joy an' I won't 'ave ye-"

"Blah, blah, blah." I put my hands on my hips, attempting to look fearsome and failing miserably. "Get to work."

He crossed his arms defiantly and I glared at him…being tall has its advantages. I was barely shorter than him, almost eye level.

He glared right back. "An' how do ye plan on makin' me do that, luv?"

I shifted my eyes to the side of his face, where Cady had come up unnoticed behind him and was fulfilling her title as Ironfist the Enforcer. She slipped the red velvet glove from her right hand and touched the steel of her prosthetic limb to his face. I watched amused as realization filled Jack's eyes, then smirked as the cold iron moved down his cheek, causing him to shudder.

"Like that."

Comically squeezing his eyes shut, Jack waited for what he thought would be a blow that would send him face down into the deck. Locking eyes with Cady for a minute, I nodded, then leaned against the rail lazily as an insane grin lit up Cady's face the instant before she whipped Jack's hat off his head.

He must have had automatic hat-wearing sensors. How else could he have known the second she took it?

"Me hat!"

He leapt for it, but Cady simply stepped to the side and dodged him. After a few more pathetic attempts, he looked at me like a little lost puppy.

"Luv! She won't give me back me hat!"

I glanced at him from examining my nails. "You sound like a two year old."

"I don't care. Make 'er give it back!"

"Hmmm, but I thought I couldn't make anyone do anything?"

He looked as if he were going to say something, but stopped, looking defeated. I smirked.

Cady elbowed him. "Say sorry to 'er."

"But I didn't do nothin' to 'er!"

"You made me apologize to a ship! Your apology makes a lot more sense!"

She elbowed him again "Say it."

"No."

"Say it."

"No!"

"Say it or else!" With these words she held his precious hat over the side of the gun wall.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Cady gave him his hat back, which he began petting…quite psychotically I might add.

**xXSome Random Time Period LaterXx**

I watched the shore advancing as we sailed into the Welland Canal, assuming that the small crowd gathered on the dock meant that my crew had received the message in a gourd (bwahaha) that I'd attached to a passing seagull, telling them to meet us here.

Jack obviously hadn't noticed them there yet. He's slow like that. He tapped Cady on the shoulder, "Lass, ye can't expect us te sail through this narrow passage with only the…" he counted on his fingers, "four of us, can ye? Where's yer crew?"

**!PLANK!**

"OW!"

"Well move your foot next time. Jack, I swear, watching over a deranged chicken is easier than looking after you."

Rach climbed down from the rigging and stood beside me and Cady at the end of the plank that had been placed between the gap of ship and shore, watching as my loyal crew proceeded onto the Pearl.

First came Sugar Marshmallow, ship's cook, with her assistant, Cookie. As Sugar and Cookie (hehe…sugar cookie…yummmm) boarded, Sugar brandishing a wooden spoon, Cookie clutching a broom, a burst of nonsense lyrics broke out. Tabi, screeching/singing loudly skipped aboard, went straight for the mast and scurried up into the crow's nest. I walked over and looked up at her.

"I thought we locked you in that chicken coop?"

"Bawk, Bawk! Chicken, Chicken!"

"Are you going to stay up there for the whole trip again?"

I never got an answer, she just started rocking back and forth and whistling. I went back over to Rach, Cady and Jack. Cady was shaking her head at the other two. "Don't ask."

Next in our little parade of crew came my two cabin girls, Veronica and Monica, leading up a girl in chains. Jack looked confused as they passed. Cady motioned to the girl, who gave a little smile and a wave.

"That's prisoner #15."

"Uh…what happened to te first 14, luv?"

Cady and I glanced at each other, grinned, and Cady began laughing evilly. I shook my head at Jack, "Again, don't ask. You might get an answer."

After some crates and bungs of supplies had been brought on board, our navigator, The Brain, and our lookout, The Salty Pirate Gomes, carried a huge wooden chest, which was painted gold and covered in plastic jewels. Jack looked at it suspiciously.

"Why's it bigger than the other boxes, luv?

Cady patted the lid of the chest affectionately. "That's just my minion. He doesn't need a box this big, but we like to make him feel special." The two crew(wo)men brought the chest down to the galley.

"SQUACK!"

Jack jumped about a foot high. "Wha' the 'ell was' at?!"

"Bilgerat!" A multicoloured parrot flew out of nowhere (which, I might add, has great tourist accommodations) and landed on Ironfist's shoulder. She fed the parrot a chicken burger, which the parrot swallowed whole (little cannibal!). "This is my Bilgerat."

"But it's a parrot, lass."

"Aye."

"Ye said it was a rat!"

"Bilgerat's her name you illiterate sea cucumber!"

"Cady, be nice. And I don't think he's illiterate, considering he read the 'Pirates ye be Warned' sign."

"Good point."

"'Ey, 'ow d'ye know about that, luv?"

"I'm your stalker. Now hush."

"Cap'n…if Bilgerat is here, then where's…"

"MONKEY!"

I waited for my loyal pet to jump on my shoulder. I waited. And waited. And waited some more.

"Oh, Bloody 'ell! GET THIS BEAST OFF ME!"

(Cady's POV)

"She's just hugging you, Jack. Calm down."

"But wha' if she has fleas, or rabies, or summat?"

Megi slapped him upside the head. "She does not. Come here, Jazz."

"Jack?! You named the monkey JACK!?!"

"She said Jazz. Keep your psychopathic ramblings to a minimum, please, and maybe help load some cargo if you're so inclined." I shoved a large crate of oranges into his arms. "Those go in the forcastle. Now."

Soon all the supplies were in their place, but I couldn't help feeling something was missing.

"Could someone _pant _help me _pant _with this BLOODY CANNON?!?"

"Oh! Bitty! There you are!"

"Yeah, sorry I'm late, but I had to move these." She motioned behind her to what appeared to be the contents of an eighteenth century armoury.

"Ooooo!" I squealed and rubbed my hands together. "You got ALL of it?"

"Every last cannonball." Bitty, our gun(wo)man looked very proud of herself.

"Very good. Everyone, let's get these on board, then prepare for sail." Every one stared blankly at Meg's attempt to wield power. I decided to step in.

"NOW!" People scurried all over the ship and began hauling weaponry and lines, and raising the sails.

"Lass…where d'you keep all those armaments?"

"It's better that you don't know. If you don't know, you won't have to lie to the government."

"Oh, stop scaring him, Ironfist. Jack, check the sail attachment at the bowsprit. "

"Aye, Cap'n." Jack shuddered at his own words.

"Captain Megi?" A voice sifted down from the crow's nest.

"Aye, Gomes?"

"Do I have to stay up here with this…thing?"

"Never go fishing with a man who has been drinkin', cuz things just never turn out like you wish! Just leave that fool at home to drink, he'd be just as happy fishin' in the kitchen sink! Don't go near the water with a man too drunk to fish!!!!" Tabi was screech/singing her favourite nautical tune (The only one she knew, incidentally).

"Yes, Gomes, you do. Here, have these." She handed a little cellophane packet to Jazz who ran it up the mizzenmast into the crow's nest. The Salty Pirate Gomes opened it to reveal **purple** foamy earplugs.

"Oooo…gumdrops!" Tabi snatched them and popped them into her mouth. "Mmmmm…foam flavour! That's my favourite!"

"GAHHH!!!"

Megi looked up. "Keep it down up there, some of us are trying to work! Now let's get this baby out to sea. FULL POWER AHEAD!"

"Astern"

"Aye, ASTERN!"

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We like to call that the chicken chapter, as chicken is said an inordinate number of times. Go ahead, count. It's uncanny.

XOXO Ironfist and Cap'n Megi


	5. Cady's in the mob so y'all beter be care...

Well, now that exams are over, expect an influx of new chapters! (Hahaha, yeah right...) Really, school is hard, but March break is coming up so...maybe some more before the month is up. Aaaanyways, because I love my (2) reviewers, I've decided to use both of your random words: **hbello** and **antidisestablishmentarianism** (and **confuzzled**. Why not?). Moving right along,

Rachy (If I may call you that)- I feel like a celebrity has reviewed my story! hahah, yes. You may have to wait for quite a while because as of yet we have no plans to incorporate Will in to the story. Though we do have wonderful plans for Elizabeth (muahahaha...)

hotdogfish- I like the way you punctuate everything with a period. It makes me giggle a little. I like to imagine you saying "yay." in a very no nonsense voice, it brings light to my life.

Lady Nicole Potter- Hehehe, your reviews are the best. We used your idea but we...changed it. Just enough so you can't claim it was your own! Muahahaha... thanks for your review. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: We own stuff. Just not this stuff. So sue us...OH WAIT, YOU CAN'T, 'CUZ THERE'S A DISCLAIMER! So there.**

_Oh! 'Tis better to live and die_

_under the brave black flag I fly_

_than play a sanctimonious part_

_with pirate head and pirate heart._

_-Pirates of Penzance, Gilbert and Sullivan_

(Cady's POV)

We waited as the locks on the canal slowly lowered us down to the St. Lawrence River level. "This is taking too long." Jack was laying on the deck, squinting at the clouds. We were backing out of the Welland Canal and would soon be on our way to the ocean.

"Well I'm sorry they can't speed up gravity for you." Meg and Rach were playing a board game on a closed crate. "Ahah! King me!"

"Um, cap'n...we're playing chess..."

Sugar and I were having an epic thumb war a few feet away. "I've got you now!"

"Ow, ow, ow, noooooo!"

"...three, four, five. I win!" I did a little victory dance while Sugar nursed her thumb and grumbled.

"You wouldn't have won if you hadn't used your metal hand."

"What can I say, I'm right-handed." I slipped the velvet glove back on to my hand and started as we passed under a low bridge. "Oh!"

"We're on the river now, aye?" Jack sat up as the black bar of the bridge passed through the sky above him. I laughed a little at the black bars the caulk had left on his back and Meaghan gave me a withering look.

"Aye. Soon we'll be out to sea if these winds hold up."

"And... the Navy don't care tha' we're pirates? They ain't gonna get us?"

I snorted and pulled an apple from an open barrel on deck. "Are you kidding? Our Navy has 4 tugboats and a whistle. I'm sure we'll be okay." I took a big bite from the reddest side of the fruit and a river of sweet, shimmering liquid dribbled down my chin. **(Hahaha, that's a bit of dirty talk for all you hardcore apple enthusiasts.) **

"Check!" Rach exclaimed triumphantly, clicking her piece on to the board with a smug smile.

Meg frowned. "I think you mean check_mate_."

Rach looked mildly confused. "That's what I said, check."

"Check**_mate_**." Meg insisted, frustrated. Megi+ frustrated not good. I decided to intervene.

"Yes. And who's on first. Now can we get the sails up?

"Who's on first?"

"JUST PUT UP THE SAILS!"

**xX(Sometime Thereafter)Xx**

Jack stood on the prow of the boat sniffing the salty air. We were finally on the Atlantic Ocean and were headed down the Eastern seaboard. Jack raised his arms above his head and looked up at the sky. "I'm the king of the-mmfph!" Megi had clasped her hand firmly over his mouth **(If anyone has read Savveyeh? and this seems familiar, it is. She totally stole it.)**

"There'll be no copyright infringement on my ship!" I looked at her from hoisting some food up to Tabi and Gomes in the crow's nest.

"Your whole ship is a copyright infringement."

"Bah. There's a disclaimer. And it won't be gettin' longer on account a you, Jack Sparrow. Understood?" Jack's eyes had gotten really wide and he wasn't paying attention to what she was saying. "What? What is it?" He pointed at a midsize boat that was racing out towards them and Meaghan released him from her grip to pull an extending telescope from her belt.

"Look at 'er race! And she ain't got no sails!" He put the pieces together in his head. "DEMON SHIP!"

"No, not demon ship. It's the coast guard." Jack looked confused so she tried to explain. "It's like the King's Navy but, um..."

"Faster?" I tried to help.

"Faster is right, I bet it's faster than the Pearl!" We all turned to glare at Cookie **(Our lovely chef's assistant, just in case you don't remember)**. "What?"

"Faster than the Pearl? We'll just see about that." Jack began adjusting the rigging and the sails and the ships began streaming along the water at a much quicker pace.

"Oh good lord. We're dead." Meg buried her face in her hands then looked up and yelled at Jack, who was now behind the ship's wheel, keeping the speeding boat steady. "Sparrow, you great fool! Look at the mess you've got us in!"

"Why? I thought Ironfist said the Navy was no threat to us?"

"That was the Canadian Navy. This is the Coast..." she paused, "...American Navy. They'll crush us!"

"Americans. Ruled by a man who loves himself and **antidisestablishmentarianism**."

"Ironfist, now is not the time for political statements or words over 26 letters, okay?" The Black Pearl was moving along at a fast click and it looked like we had lost the Coast Guard- for a second.

"FOREIGN SHIP," the Coast Guard was now directly beside us and a burly man with a megaphone was yelling up from the deck, "THIS IS THE UNITED STATES COAST GUARD. STOP IMMEDIATLY SO YOU CAN BE DETAINED FOR QUESTIONING." Jack wasn't having any of it. He climbed up into the sails and made few more adjustments, but the ship didn't go any faster.

"Damn. The Pearl can move twice this rate, but we'll need to throw heavy cargo overboard." He looked directly at Sugar. "Tha' means the machine you have what makes those cheese covered corn crisps."

"Not my nacho machine!" It was too late. Bitty, Minion and I were already heaving it over the gunwall. "Awwww." Jack was right; the ship doubled its pace, but the Coast Guard kept right up beside us.

"FOREIGN SHIP! RESPOND OR WE WILL OPEN FIRE!" Crewmen on the ship brought out a huge harpoon. Meaghan began panicking and yelled over the side of the ship.

"**Hbello**!" Everything went completely silent, everyone stopped moving and not even a seabird's call broke the air.

"...WHAT?" the man sounded **confuzzled** **(Man, I love that word too) **even through the megaphone.

"I mean hello...or ahoy...or, whatever won't get me shot!"

"THAT YOU SURRENDER?"

"Never!" Jack swung down from the ship on a long rigging rope and landed on the deck of the Coast Guard boat with a thud. Meaghan's eyes nearly popped out of her head as Jack whipped out his sword and began waving it in the burly man's face.

"Oh sweet lord..."

Jack was backing the man down the deck and he was becoming increasingly angry. Other crewmen began to realize what was going on and were reaching for their guns. Jack called out, "To me men! Um, crew!" I jumped at the chance for action and pulled out my sword with a flourish. I turned to Meg.

"I can see why you love that man." I vaulted over the gunwall with a loud battle cry.

"I don't love him! Who says I love him?"

"You do. All the time." Rach picked up a cutlass from the deck and swung down as well. Soon, all hands were on the coast guard ship and within minutes, we had their entire crew tied up on deck with the lifesaver rope. Meg's eyes were wide.

"Wow. We are good pirates."

"Aye, we be a stout-hearted bunch."

"Um, Ironfist? You don't have to talk like that."

"Oh." Meaghan patted me on the back compassionately.

"We better go. These things are like bees. Where there's one, there's lots more coming."

**xX(Later that day)Xx**

"So, where are we headed?" Meaghan looked over the rolling ocean of International Waters. The Brain had a bag of maps over her back and was trying to balance a few on the top of the rail.

"I'm thinking Thailand. I hear that's where all the cool pirates are going these days." She pointed to a place on the map but Meaghan wasn't looking.

"No, too fashionable."

"Ummmm, just to the Caribbean then?" She searched through her pile for a map of Central America.

"With all those bloody tourists?"

"I guess not..." The Brain looked through more maps while Meg kept grumbling about 'bloody tourists'. Then I had a brilliant idea. Nothing out of the ordinary.

"Why don't we go back in time, back to the Golden Age? When the Caribbean was good and pure and...full of gory death."

"Ah. 'Tis a wonderful place." Jack looked a bit homesick. Meaghan's little black heart broke in two.

"Then we shall go back!"

"Um, Captain?" The Brain spoke up. "How do you plan on getting there? You already used up the magic of fanfiction."

I smiled deviously. Meaghan got scared. "What?"

"The mafia."

**(5006 seconds later)**

"Thanks Pasquale!" I waved down at the old man in a suit looking quite out of place on a seadoo in the middle of the ocean in the mid seventeenth century.

"Caterina, call me Zio Pasqua, ah?"

"Si, Zio. Ciao!"

"Ciao, bella!" He powered up the motor and scooted up into the future. Meaghan was dumbfounded.

"I didn't know the mafia had the power to transport people back in time. Hell, I didn't even know you had mob connections."

"Meg, they're the friggin' mafia, they can do anything. And I'm Italo-Canadian. We all know each other.

Jack was happy as the proverbial clam over being back in his own time period. He flittered about the deck in a state of pure happiness. Meaghan's little black heart was healed.

"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me..." Megi began singing, and soon anyone who knew (or could fake) the words was singing along. I sidled up beside Meaghan.

"So, what now?"

"I dunno. The plot?

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So there you have it! We'll have another one for you by the end of the month, pinkie swear! Review or die! (But not really, duh!)

XOXO ITE and Cap'n Megi


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